U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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