Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
