She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
