...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
