Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
