Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
