Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize