I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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