Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize