I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
