I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
