Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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