God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
