I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
