How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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