so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
