On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
