Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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