Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
