And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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