If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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