mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
