just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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