genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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