woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
