well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
