The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
