she woke up with a sticky ear
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Less talking, more tequila
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
