Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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