and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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