I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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