I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
