meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
