Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
