please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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