i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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