I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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