u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
