I'm so fucking centered right now
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
