I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
