when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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