She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
