I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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