Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
