i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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