How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
