I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
