i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize