i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
