All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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