Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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