My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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