hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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