he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
