I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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