your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
