i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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