She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
