I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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