I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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