Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
