Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
she pinky promised me she was 18
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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