ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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