You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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