god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
