I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
