Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize