take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
