Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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