You're my little dorito
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
