My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
